


Remember Me

by doc-isles (reinedelutin)



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-16
Updated: 2012-12-05
Packaged: 2017-11-14 08:48:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/513435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reinedelutin/pseuds/doc-isles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternate S02E10 ending. Written as a roleplay between doc-isles and just-jane-rizzoli on tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Remember Me

It was over. It was finally over. Jane gripped Korsak’s suit lapels in her fists so hard her knuckles turned white as she screamed against his shoulder. She could barely feel him release her from his hold to cut the ziplocks and free her hands. Hoyt was dead, that was the only thing that mattered. That and Maura. She vaguely noticed Frost helping a stunned Maura sit up, turning away to wrap her arms around Korsak and rebury her face in his shirt, undoubtedly staining it with tears and blood.  
She could feel the adrenaline rushing through her bloodstream and her heart thudded six-eight time in her chest like a metronome with absolutely no intention whatsoever of slowing down. The exhilaration that had fueled her to stab Hoyt had long since gone, only to be replaced by tiredness and aching in every muscle. She was lucky to be alive.

Maura couldn’t register anything. She felt her body being moved, but looked unseeingly forward. She was numb, her whole body was numb. The electricity of the taser seemed to hit something that turned her mind off. Frost spoke to her and when he didn’t even get facial recognition from her, he rubbed her arms and got a napkin to put on the wound on her neck. She finally blinked and saw his concerned expression. She blinked at him, no words needing to be said.  
What happened? She remembered feeling the electric pulsing through her, paralyzing her, then HIS face looming over hers, him straddling her legs, the knife digging into her throat and tearing her skin open, then suddenly nothing. But Frost was in front of her now. Where was Hoyt? She couldn’t open her mouth to ask the question, and she could feel her energy dissipating with the blood loss to her neck. She let her head rest on Frosts shoulder and closed her eyes, falling unconscious against him.  
“The EMTs are on their way to get the two to the hospital right away,” Frost says to Korsak quickly. “Maura’s passed out but I got the blood stopped until they can get here. How’s Jane?” He held his stomach together, trying to ignore the effect the sight of blood caused for him, but it was Maura, and she and Jane needed help, so he had no time to be queasy.

Vince had never seen Jane this vulnerable before. Scratch that, he had, but it wasn’t quite the same as now. He’d been there to save her - something he suspected, with good reason too, that she never forgave him for. He of all people knew best how Rizzoli hated to look vulnerable, and he’d seen her at her worst. There had been no victory on their side, then. This time, however, Jane had been declared the victor once and for all. ”She’s…” Korsak hesitated, “she’ll be fine.”  
Jane jerked her head up off of Korsak’s chest as she heard Frost speak. “M-Maura?” she choked out, whipping her head around to fix her eyes on the unconscious Maura lying on the bed. Her eyes widened again before they filled with fresh tears, giving a miserable little whimper and she continued sobbing into Korsak’s shoulder. It was her fault Maura was like that, if Maura hadn’t gone with her to see Hoyt…  
Frost moved so the EMT’s could take Maura on a stretcher, and watched as Jane followed them, hand on the stretcher. He noticed that Korsak stayed behind so Jane could ride in the ambulance with Maura. “Will they be okay?” He finally asked Korsak, halfway to the hospital in the car. He was worried about his partner and the Doctor. He had never seen them like that before.

One of the EMT’s put an IV into Maura’s arm and tried to do the same for Jane, and the other started wiping their necks and put bandages on them so they’d stop bleeding before they could be sewn up at the hospital. The ambulance reached the hospital and the girls were put in separate hospital rooms so the doctors could check on them.  
Maura opened her eyes and found herself in a hospital room and her first thought was where Jane was. “Jane.” She mumbled, and the nurse looked at her. “Jane.” She closed her eyes and kept mumbling her name, hand reaching for her friend.

“They’ll be fine, Frost, let it go,” Korsak shook his head, creasing his brow in concern. The more the other man worried, the more worried he got himself. Which didn’t help anything at all. He needed to keep a clear head about him. “I’m going to call Cavanaugh. He needs to know what happened.”  
Jane allowed herself to be led off into the ambulance when it came, unwillingly untangling her arms from around Korsak and seating herself down on the ambulance bench, grabbing hold of Maura’s hand dangling off the stretcher. She fought the EMT trying to stick an IV into her arm, glaring viciously through puffy red eyes until the poor guy put the thing down. She did, however, allow him to slap bandages onto her cuts.  
She was reluctant when it came to letting Maura go when they reached the hospital. It took  several minutes of hysteria and frantic reassurances on the nurses’ part to get Jane to let go of the blonde’s hand and follow them into the other room to get stitched up.

Maura swallowed and struggled, making it difficult for the nurse to reinsert the IV Maura just pulled out, while she panicked. Where was Jane? Was she okay? She sat up and tried to get out of the bed, but the nurse seemed to call in reinforcements because of her panicking and behavior. She struggled as she was forced back onto the bed but then felt the prick of a needle and the last thing she remembered was looking up and seeing what she thought were Jane’s eyes.  
She woke up again, a little less groggy and more aware of her surroundings than before. “Jane?” She whispered. She saw a shape in the chair next to her, but it could’ve been anyone. “Jane?” She asked again. She wasn’t capable of any other word. She just needed to see if Jane was alright, if Hoyt did anything to her.

Jane’s eyes snapped into focus, immediately glancing down at her friend. “Maura,” she breathed, feeling relief pool in her stomach before a grin spread across her face. “Maura! You’re awake,” she gave her hand a squeeze. “You’ve been out for hours. I came as quickly as I could when they called to say you were waking up. Ma dragged me out of the hospital, said it wasn’t ‘healthy’ to spend the entire damn day in here,” she said this all very quickly, letting her words fall out of her mouth, no filter on them. Though she wouldn’t admit it for the world, she was still shaken by her last encounter with Hoyt mere hours ago. Talking quickly and avoiding the subject was how she planned on dealing with it. She frowned, leaning over to quickly wrap her arms around Maura in a hug, careful not to dislodge any of the tubes sticking out of her arms, lowering her voice so only Maura heard. “How’re you feeling?”

Maura didn’t hear anything that Jane said, she just focused on her face. She saw the butterfly suture over the stitches on her forehead and the bandage on her throat. There was probably stitches there too. Then her arms were around Maura and she froze. She swallowed to wet her throat and tried to get words out. She pressed her forehead against Jane’s shoulder and sighed, closing her eyes. She was safe.  
“Jane.” She murmured. “How are you?” She managed to get out. She felt so out of it, not able to talk in big words and sentences that made her feel brilliant and matched her IQ. Jane was talking quickly, which Maura recognized was her defensive mechanism to avoid talking about what happened. She raised a hand that didn’t have an IV in it and put it against Jane’s chest. “How are you?” She repeated and pulled back, asking Jane for an honest answer and not something to make her feel better.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Jane said distractedly, eyes searching Maura over, looking for any faults the nurses might have made in the bandaging. ”Maur, I’m peachy. I feel absolutely wonderful. The doctors did a good enough job.” She winced, hating that she had to praise any doctor (who wasn’t Maura), even if she was (half)lying between her teeth. She didn’t trust easily, so having to submit her body to the care of a near stranger had always been hard for her.

Maura knew that Jane was just saying that to appease her, but she looked healthy so she didn’t push the issue. She laid back against the bed and closed her eyes, feeling better just after hearing of her friend’s health. “I’ll be fine.” She whispered. “It was just a concentrated electrical charge to my cervic, but the effects are wearing off now.” She paused. “I just feel the overwhelming urge to cry, but I am holding it back until I am alone so you don’t have to see.” She had to ask, she wasn’t sure. “What, happened? After he used the taser on me. Everything is a blur.” She looked at the wall to give Jane a moment, in case she couldn’t face her.

Jane furrowed her eyebrows, looking at Maura suspiciously. “Your what now? He didn’t… You know…” She didn’t see him doing anything other than stunning her, then slitting her throat, but then, anything could’ve happened. Her memory wasn’t exactly crystal-clear either. ”I-I…” She took a breath to steel herself, pushing the thought out of her head. “It’s over. Done. Finito. He’s dead, that’s all that matters now.” She gave a shaky smile, trying to reassure both Maura and herself.

“He didn’t what?” Maura looked at Jane quizzically. Of course, she wasn’t clear, so Maura didn’t understand her question.  
She latched onto Jane’s last words. “He’s dead?” Her eyes were wide and she looked down at the blanket. “He’s gone?” She whispered. “You’re free?” She smiled at Jane.

Jane groaned, hating how Maura never assumed. Her life would have been so much easier if Maura only guessed, once in a while. “Come on, Maura, you know what I mean. He didn’t do anything to your,” she made a face, “down there, did he?”  
“Yeah,” she nodded, her grin getting slightly broader. “He’s gone. For good, this time.” She glanced down at her hands, and for the first time, they didn’t tingle.

Maura blinked, trying to understand. “You aren’t asking if he…penetrated me, are you?” She asked as clinically as she always did, and then actually processed what she said. She felt sick and Jane was only able to get her the bedpan in time for her to be sick in it. She pulled her hair up out of her face and spit, then sat back while a nurse came in and changed bedpans. “No.” She managed.  
She looked over at Jane and smiled as well. She reached out and grabbed one of Jane’s hands, rubbing her thumb over one of the scars. “Jane, I want to do the autopsy. I want to make sure he’s dead.” She said determinedly. The moment she heard he was dead, she knew she had to be the one to do it, to show both her and Jane that Hoyt was finally gone and here’s the proof.

“Jesus Maura, not when you say it like that…” Her eyes widened as she saw Maura about to be sick, and hastily grabbed the bedpan from the side of the bed for her to be sick in. “I think I might be sick as well,” Jane muttered, rubbing circles into Maura’s back and watching the nurse come to change the bedpan. She didn’t have anything left to sick up apart from the bitter-tasting coffee her mother had forced down her throat, and she could already tell how wonderful it would taste coming back up.  
Jane tilted her head curiously. She hadn’t thought of that. To be honest, the idea that Hoyt might still be alive even after she’d stabbed him terrified her, but it wouldn’t hurt to be thorough, especially considering who they were dealing with. This was Hoyt, not just some other perp. “Alright,” she said, finally. “I’ll call Korsak later and let him know.”

Maura leaned back in the bed. “I’m sorry, it’s just even the thought. I had meant, the…” She thought of explaining in a way Jane would understand easiest. “taser, to my neck? Cervic is neck. You probably thought I said Cervix. No matter.” She took some water from a pitcher in her reach and sipped it to get the taste out of her mouth. She poured Jane a cup and offered it to her.  
“Thank you. I just…need to make sure that you’re safe from him. Forever.” She didn’t look at her. Normally, she’d be fine with letting Dr. Pike take the autopsy, but this one was different. She wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to be coming back because he paid the right people to sneak him out and fake his death.

“There is nothing similar about the neck and your down there bits,” she grouched, wrinkling her nose. “So why make it so confusing? Thank you,” Jane accepted the water, sipping, wondering how many other people had gotten the two mixed up, or whether it was just her. She couldn’t be blamed, she never went to medical school.  
She shook her head. “I should be thanking you,” she paused, “and apologizing. I’m sorry for taking you with me. You wouldn’t be here with these silly wires sticking out of you if it wasn’t for me.”

“It wasn’t confusing though. I know the difference between the words, and there’s a whole difference in a letter or two.” She sipped the water but still felt sick.  
“Jane, it wasn’t your fault. It was my own, and All I have is IV right now.” She raised her arm to emphasize the single wire. “Jane, what happened, was not your fault.” She looked Jane in the eye. “Don’ even think it is your fault, because it was not.”

Jane shrugged, conceding. “I guess so,” she agreed, setting her glass back onto the side table with a painfully audible clink.  
“How is any of this your fault?” she gestured around her, at the wires and the IV and Maura lying on the sterile white sheets. Hoyt had wanted her, not Maura. She should’ve gone alone or not at all, she saw that now.

“Well, I don’t suppose I’ll say fault, because if I wasn’t there, who knows what would’ve happened.” She froze at the thought and felt tears fall down her cheeks. She didn’t want to think of the possibility of losing Jane. “I’m actually glad I was there, even if it was just to distract him from you for long enough to end with his death and not yours.” She closed her eyes and turned her head away from Jane.

“I wasn’t going to die,” Jane muttered, closing her eyes to steady herself. Every time she’d gone up against Hoyt, she’d always managed to somehow escape still alive and relatively unscathed. Not many people could say that much for themselves. She should have died back there, as she should have when he’d first driven the scalpels into her hands. Invincible Jane Rizzoli was no more (and she supposed, hadn’t been much of anything for a very long time), but that wasn’t going to stop her from pretending like it was still there. 

“Jane, as much as I want to believe that,” Maura started, haltingly, “What if I wasn’t there, and he used the taser on you like he did me? I was powerless. I couldn’t move, and he could’ve done whatever he wanted.” His words flashed through her mind. “I won’t kill you. Rape you, maybe.” She felt tears run down her face as that was exactly what Jane insinuated earlier. “Would you recover from the taser quicker?” She asked Jane, unable to hide her rage caused by Jane’s cavalier attitude towards her own life. “Would you?” She cried out, tears pouring down her face now. “You’re not invincible, Jane!” She sobbed. “As much as I wish you were, you’re not!” She dropped her head and continued sobbing.

“No,” Jane grit out, turning away to hide the expression on her face. She knew Maura was right, that she wouldn’t stand a chance if Hoyt had indeed used the taser on her, but she wasn’t going to just admit that she was wrong, not just like that. Not without a fight. Her eyes narrowed, trying to keep her temper. ”Look, all I’m saying is that maybe it would be better if next time, I go alone. Or with Korsak or Frost. You’re too… You can’t…” she faltered, voice cracking. “We’re detectives, we’re trained to handle these kind of things.” Medical examiners are not, though.

“Go alone?” Maura cried out. “Jane, you-could-have-died!” She screamed. “If I’m not there the next time, that could be the time that you-you get hit wrong, or are shot, and if I’m not there, I can’t save you!” She pleaded for Jane to understand. “I have to save you…” She broke into sobs, unable to get another word out. She covered her face to hide her shame for breaking down, because of her basically voicing her biggest fear, of not being there when Jane needs her to save her. “You’re not trained for medical.” She forced out between her fingers. “I am. I’ve been taking classes.”

Jane jerked her head around, glaring at Maura through unshed tears. “You shouldn’t need to save me, though! I don’t need to be saved, I don’t need saving.” She shook her head stubbornly, mussed black curls bouncing agitatedly on her shoulders. “This is my job. My job is to be shot at, to take a few punches here and there, take down the bad guys and try not to get killed meanwhile. You can’t go with me everywhere, Maura, this isn’t your job. You can’t save everyone.”

Maura looked at Jane dumbfounded. That was how Jane felt. She already beat herself up enough about the fact that she couldn’t save anyone, she always dealt with the dead, and the only person she had the power to save was Jane, what little she could.  She closed her eyes and visibly deflated. A nurse had come in at the sound of their raised voices. Maura addressed the nurse.  
“I will need an AMA, please.” At the nurses obvious disapproval, Maura shook her head. “I’ll be fine, I’m a doctor.” She replied, dryly. The nurse went to get the doctor and the paperwork.

Jane’s resolve completely shattered at seeing Maura’s shoulders sag slightly and her eyes close. She regret the harshness of her words now. “Maura, no. You can’t go like this! She can’t go, can she?” She looked over at the nurse, trying to find reassurance that the hospital would at least have enough sense to keep Maura over for the night, just to make sure she was all okay.  
She knew what she had said had hurt Maura. She also knew that Maura probably wouldn’t want to be near her now, either. Jane couldn’t think of anyone who would. She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, okay? I’ll go. You stay.”

Maura shook her head. “No, Jane, you can stay here, I’ll just go home.” She replied. She didn’t look at her as the nurse came in and pulled out the IV, giving her the form to fill out. Maura signed the right places and stood on her own. She wobbled, getting used to the feeling in her legs, but was able to walk to the wheelchair the nurse rolled in.  
“Jane, you don’t need to worry about me. I can, ‘save myself’, and I’m better off in my own home than a hospital.” She responded flippantly, looking in her purse for her phone. She would call Frost and ask him for a ride home. “So you can go and do your gumshoe thing and get yourself shot.” The tears fell, but she tried to make an effort to hide them from Jane, so she couldn’t see how much the thought killed Maura.

Jane sighed, relenting, not having the heart to argue anymore with Maura. She did, however, glare daggers at the nurse who came in to pull out the IV. “Alright,” she said, so quietly she couldn’t even hear herself over the faint hum of doctors, nurses, patients and their guests, and whoever else outside, in the corridor. “I… You…” she tried to muster an apology, but the words felt like sand in her mouth. “Get better, then,” she said, finally, standing and brushing past Maura sitting in the wheelchair, walking swiftly down the hall and catching the elevator to the ground floor. She wasn’t going to spend a second longer than she had to in that cold, white, sterile room; she’d never liked hospitals much, anyway.  
She exhaled, breathing in the warm Boston air. Though usually she’d have grouched about the pollution (or maybe Maura would’ve, had she been there), any air would’ve been better than the air back in the hospital. Jane briefly remembered Maura’s spiel, every time she’d brought something out of one of her fridges (‘Cold air is cold air’), and she felt fresh tears prick the backs of her eyeballs. She fought them, of course; she refused to start crying in public, lest a reporter come along by chance and spot her having a meltdown. It was only a matter of time before the entire damn city would know about Hoyt’s death, and Jane wanted to be as far away from the public eye when it happened.  
She needed time to think. What Maura had said earlier haunted her. That plus Hoyt. Jane wanted nothing more than to curl up in her bed pass out. But there was Maura to worry about, who had left the hospital far too early for Jane’s liking. Which was technically her fault, but she didn’t want to dwell on that too much. She couldn’t well show up at Maura’s apartment, but she knew someone who could. Jane dug into her jacket pocket, bringing up her phone and punching the familiar numbers into it.  
“Hey Ma? Do you think you could do me a favor?”

Maura heard Jane’s muttered words and saw her leave, and waited until she was out of sight to break down at her quick exit. The nurse immediately tried to get her to forget the AMA and let them take care of her, but she refused and demanded to be released as promised. She was told the usual, don’t drink and mix medicine, don’t overwork herself, she tuned them out since she already knew the spiel from listening to them tell Jane not that many months ago when she shot herself. She was brought down to the pick up and was surprised when she found Frankie there instead of Frost.  
“Hey there, Maur. Are you okay?” Frankie looked worried, and more than a little confused when he didn’t see Jane around. “I’ll be fine, Frankie, but thank you.” She responded, wincing as she stood from the wheelchair. “Frost asked me to get you, something came up.” Maura merely nodded at his explanation and let him help her into the passengers seat. They left the hospital and headed towards her home.  
“Frankie,” Maura started, pausing for a moment to think. “Can you do me a favor?” She glanced across the seat at Frankie, who was focused on the road. “Of course.” He boasted, shooting a worried glance at her.  
“Can you check in on Jane for me? After everything today with Hoyt, she really didn’t need me to act the way that I did to her.” She felt guilty. She had every right to yell at her like she did, but absolutely none to do it when she did. She should’ve waited until Jane had recovered from the events of earlier. It was her fault if Jane wasn’t okay.   
“What you did to her? Maura, you couldn’t do anything to her. You’re her best friend.” He replied. “But yeah, I’ll check up on her as soon as I know you’re okay.” Maura waved a hand nonplussed. “I’ll be fine, just get me to the door and I’ll do what I need to do before bed.” She said. “I’ll call and see if….” She was going to say Angela, then realized that the people she depended on were Jane’s family and partners, who should side with Jane over Maura. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. “Just make sure she’s okay, please?” She whispered.  
Frankie didn’t want to just leave her there, but as soon as Maura crossed the doorway, she closed the door after thanking him, leaving him no choice but to head to Jane’s.

Mother's Voicemail  
•  -dials-  
• MAURA: {rings}  
• MAURA: {rings}  
• CONSTANCE ISLES VOICEMAIL: Bonsoir, you have reached the voicemail of Madame Constance Isles. I am off at a conference or Gallery opening, so I am unavailable at the moment. Please leave a message for me to get back to. A bien tot!  
• CONSTANCE ISLES VOICEMAIL: -beeps-  
• MAURA: Bonsoir, maman. It's Maura. I just, thought that I'd let you know that something happened at work today, and I really wanted to talk to you about it. If you could call me back, I would really appreciate it. I love you, and please tell Father that I love him too. Adieu.

It took Jane a while to get back to her apartment. Finding a bus (she didn’t have enough money on her for a cab) was hard this late into the night, and she cursed herself for forgetting her car, which was still parked in the lot outside the prison. Normally, she would’ve gone home with Maura, but since their fight back at the hospital… Jane was far too proud to call anyone to give her a lift home. It took at least half an hour to locate the bus stop (she was unfamiliar with this part of the city) and the ride itself was another half hour of her time that she’d never get back. When she finally came through the front door, locking the door and sliding the heavy metal bolts into place, it was well past midnight.  
Her back and joints protested as she slid down into a half slouching, half sitting position on the floor, the weight of the entire day crashing down on her all in one go. How did a day start so normally, working her case at the BPD, and end with her arguing with Maura in a far too sterile hospital room? Because it was no ordinary case. It was Hoyt. Hoyt always screws things up. The dam she’d been constructing over the bus ride home suddenly burst, and tears started flowing unchecked down her face. Hoyt had taken her dignity, that first time he’d pinned her to the ground with those scalpels. She’d taken that back today, stabbing him in the heart. But she’d lost Maura. And Maura meant more to her than silly dignity ever would.  
She cried freely, not bothering putting a tap on her tears. There was no one around to see balls-of-steel-Jane-Rizzoli falter. She cried until she couldn’t cry anymore and her throat felt as dry as the Sahara desert. Slowly, Jane sat up, rubbing her eyes blearily. Water. She needed water. And maybe some good, mind-numbing alcohol, because her head hurt and she was going to make that ten times worse the next morning. But if the pain was going to go away, even if for only a few hours, she didn’t care. What was there to loose anymore?  
Jane dragged herself to her feet and stumbled across the hall to the kitchen, where yanked open the fridge door, peering in through squinted eyes to survey what she had. She’d bought several bottles of beer the other week; they were lined up neatly sideways on the second lowest shelf. She didn’t remember doing that. Must’ve been her Ma. She shook the other thought out of her head before the tears started coming again. Her fingers brushed over them, going up and down on the rounded sides. For once, she didn’t quite feel so beer-ish. She closed the fridge, depressed. Since when did she not want to drink beer?  
Her gaze settled on a bottle of unopened wine. She’d bought that bottle, intending  to have shared that bottle with Maura. It hadn’t cost much, maybe fifty dollars, and probably tasted like shit. But it was Maura’s drink, and she felt the inexplicable urge to down the entire bottle anyway.  
She was halfway through when there was a knock on her door. Jane groaned, getting up from her couch to the door, looking through the peephole.  
“Go away, Frankie.”  
“Aw, come on, Janie. Let your own brother in. Don’t make me break down the door.”  
“Like you actually could.”  
“I could. If I wanted to. I’ve been working out.” Jane rolled her eyes, but relented and opened door anyway. “What are you even doing, here, Frankie?”  
He ignored her. “Jane, I’m going to be blunt: stop moping about and get a grip, please. Please?” His tone was more sympathetic than usual. She looked him down with half her cop-eyes (the other half was flailing around miserably, drowning in all the alcohol she’d ingested that evening.  
An eyebrow rose. “No.” She turned Frankie around manually so his back was to her, giving him a small shove forward. “Now you leave, or I’ll personally see to it that the entire department knows the next time you get dumped on your ass by the next girl who so happens to blink in your direction.”  
Frankie sighed, turning himself back around and holding his hands up in surrender. He wasn’t scared of his sister, not really, anyway, but it was usually better to play it safe. “Okay, fine, don’t shoot the messenger,” he turned to leave. “Just… Sleep it off, Janie. Calm down. You’ve had one heck of a day. I don’t know what happened, but it’ll get better tomorrow. Promise ya.”  
Jane took a deep breath, flopping back down on her couch as the tears began flooding again. God, she was crying at everything now. And the wine didn’t seem to be helping much, either. Eventually, she cried herself to sleep, the now-empty bottle slipping out of her glass and rolling onto the floor.

Maura was in the fridge, looking for something alcoholic to drink (even though she wasn’t supposed to because of her medicine), when her front door opened. She twirled and looked, hopefully, but it was Angela and not Jane. She sighed and grabbed a beer.  
“Hello, Angela.” She greeted glumly. On second though, she grabbed the six pack and headed for the couch. She chugged half of the first one and sighed.  
“Maura, honey, I heard you were out. Are you okay?” Angela asked Maura, worriedly. Maura waved them away.  
“I’m perfectly fine, Angela, but thank you for worrying about me. Did Jane send you?” She picked up the controller and turned on the tv. A replay of Red Sox were on, so she left it on, as she would if Jane was there. Angela shuffled behind the couch.  
“She did send you.” Maura stated, her questioned answered. She felt relief in Jane’s overprotectiveness, even with their argument fresh in her mind. She drank more of the beer and didn’t turn to Angela.  
“Angela, I’ll be fine. I’m just going to have a drink or two and then go to bed.” Angela seemed to heehaw, not taking the hint.  
“Maura, I think you should talk to Janie. You two never fight, and with everything with him around…” Maura’s eyes closed and Hoyt was mentioned, yet again.  
“Angela, Hoyt is dead. Gone. Never coming back.” She snapped. “Any demons regarding him are now in our head, and no where else!” She finished the beer and started another. She heard the door shut and hated herself for how she treated Angela. She was only trying to help Maura.  
She finished her fourth beer and was officially drunk. She needed to apologize to Jane. She needed her to understand. She stumbled elegantly to the door, but couldn’t grab the car keys, they just wouldn’t stay still. The mix of the alcohol and medicine seemed to really do a number on her. She went back towards the inlaw suite and knocked on the door. Angela opened it, appearing as if she was waiting for Maura to go to her.  
“I’m sorry, Angela.” She said, almost slurring. “I-I need to talk to Jane. Can you-?” Angela caught her as she started to slide to the floor.  
“Of course I can take you, sweetie, that’s what mom’s are for.” She didn’t remember the car ride, but felt the press of keys in her hand, the key ring that had her house key and Jane’s key. She didn’t see Angela nod at Frankie, who was parked in his own car outside of the building. She went up the stairs and landed on her knees at Jane’s door. She knocked three times.  
“Jane? I’m sorry. Please-please forgive me, Jane.” She blubbered, tears falling down her cheeks in rivulets. She went on for some time about how sorry she was, but she didn’t hear anything on the other side.  
“Jane?” She knocked on the door. There was no response. She blinked as she looked at her keys. She forced herself to stand up and put the key in the door, opening it and stumbling in. She had enough presence of mind to lock it after herself and hung her key on the hook. She saw Jane laid out and sighed. She didn’t hear a word Maura said, did she? She forced herself forward and pulled Jane out from the couch, dragging her to the bedroom. She pulled the covers back and put Jane in, taking care to tuck her in and turn her alarm off. She stumbled back into the living room and looked at the mess and her first instinct was to clean it, but she knew how much Jane really hated when her and Angela did that, so she didn’t. She wrapped herself up on the couch in a blanket and let herself fall asleep.


	2. Morning After Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the death of Hoyt.

In hindsight, she probably wouldn’t have woken up at all if her head hadn’t been hurting so much.  
Jane groaned, sitting up and clutching her pounding head. The sunlight filtering through her bedroom window was bright, far too bright for her liking. Why on earth had she forgotten to roll the curtains down? She always rolled the curtain down when she passed out drunk in her room. Which wasn’t very often, because she usually passed out on the couch, outside. Didn’t she pass out on her couch last night?  
She tried to get out of bed, tangling her legs in the blanket instead and falling flat on her face. “Oomf,” Jane muttered, extricating her limbs from the tangle and getting to her feet. She swayed slightly, disorientated for a moment. She was glad she wasn’t so badly hungover this morning. If her mother came and saw her like this… She didn’t want to think about it.  
What she did want to think about was where she’d thrown the box of aspirin. It was probably in the kitchen. She walked shakily, testing her legs, until they gradually stopped feeling like jelly. Jane filled herself a glass of tap water and went in search of her pills. Not seeing them in her kitchen drawer, she went into the living room to see if they were in the drawer under the table. She did wait out most of her hangovers in that room.  
Jane had expected to find the room exactly the way she’d left it; snotty tissues and winebottle decorating the place. She had not expected to find the reason why she had drank and was now hungover sleeping on her couch. Her eyes popped open, disbelief coloring her face. “What are you doing here?” she asked, poking Maura with a tentative finger.

Maura had been able to get dreamless sleep because of the two or three too many bottles last night, and found herself being poked into waking. She suddenly felt nausea take hold and grabbed the trash can nearby to empty her stomach. She coughed and hugged her stomach, the nausea now going away and a headache overpowering her thoughts.  
She finally opened her eyes and blinked wearily at Jane. “Jane?” She didn’t remember what happened last night after talking to Angela. She looked around the room. “How, did I get here?” She asked, dumbly. She focused on trying to remember and patches of coming up the stairs and dragging Jane into her bed was indistinctly seen. She just remembered the overwhelming urge to make sure Jane was okay.  
“Your mother drove me here. I had to make sure you were okay and i apologized for about ten minutes through the door, I think.” She said slowly. “Please forgive me, Jane, I shouldn’t have yelled.” She fell onto the floor and yelped as she tried to get out from her cocoon of blanket. “Ouch.” She winced, rubbing her thigh. “I shouldn’t have said most of what I said.” She looked down at the ground, not bothering to get up.

“My mother?” She was so going to kill Ma later. “I-I… I’m sorry, too,” she muttered, finally. “I shouldn’t have said those things either.”  
Jane bit her lip, leaning down and offering her hand to Maura. “I couldn’t ever not forgive you,” she said, continuing. “You’re my best friend. Sometimes I just get… caught up in the moment. I wasn’t thinking straight.” To say she was still guilty was an understatement; how Maura still wanted to be her friend after how she’d lashed out at her was a mystery to her.

“Yes, your mother. I was drunk on her doorstep, basically telling her either I would drive myself here or she would.” It wasn’t a lie, but she had known she couldn’t have driven in her condition. Shes still not supposed to drive according to her doctors. She accepted Jane’s hand up and stood before her, looking down at her own wringing hands, looking like a scolded puppy.  
“So, we’re okay?” Maura asked Jane, hopefully. She had been afraid Jane might not want to be her friend anymore. “Anyway, bright side is, Hoyt is dead.” She beamed at Jane, the news being the best news she had ever heard, second only to know Jane was okay after the shooting earlier that year.

“I’m going to murder that woman one day, I swear,” Jane said, trying to look disapproving, though the small smile playing on her lips completely ruined the effect. She was glad her mother did, though; Maura wouldn’t have been here with her right now otherwise. That and the ME wasn’t supposed to be driving at all.  
“Yes, of course,” she said, both hands on Maura’s shoulder’s, looking her over for any injuries when she’d fallen onto the floor. “We’re more than okay. We’re utterly fantastic.” Jane nodded. “He is,” she agreed, hesitating for a moment, before asking, “Are you still sure you want to do his autopsy? I mean, we could sick someone else on him. I’m sure Cavanaugh won’t have any issues with it, if we asked him.”

Maura gave Jane an amused smile. “Your mother loves you.” She teased her. “She only does what she does because she loves you and wants you happy.” She shrugged. “She brought me over because she didn’t want us fighting, I suppose, or didn’t want me involved in an accident.” She frowned, then blinked away the thought.  
Maura stayed still during Jane’s perusal. She shifted so Jane’s hand wouldn’t catch on her hip, which was probably bruised after the night before and the fall hadn’t helped. She smiled at Jane’s words. “I’m glad we’re fantastic.” She said quietly. Jane went on about the autopsy. She shook her head and stepped away from Jane. She found her way to the window and looked out. “I have to do it, Jane. I don’t know why, but I have this feeling that I have to be the one to perform the autopsy.” She said quietly. It was a gut feeling she had. She wouldn’t believe he was dead, that Jane was truly safe from him, until she had his heart in her hands, literally.

Jane shrugged. “Maybe. A bit of both, I think.” She made a mental note to thank her Ma later. “How’re you feeling, Maura? You’re all alright, right? As much as I’m glad you’re here, you really shouldn’t have camped out on my couch all night…” Jane frowned, mildly upset that her friend wasn’t resting as comfortably as she could’ve been. And Maura told her off for not taking proper care of herself when she got injured. It was good that she wasn’t also a cop. Jane didn’t know how she’d deal if Maura got injured and acted like this afterwards. Was this how Maura felt?  
“Are you sure?” she asked, still worried. “I don’t know how much of a good idea this is. I mean - it’s a good idea, but y’know…” she fidgeted uncomfortably. “It doesn’t feel safe. Even if he looks dead and all…”

“I’m fine, Jane. You don’t need to worry about me.” After the day before, she didn’t want to make Jane worry about anything. “We argued, Jane. I wouldn’t want to wake up and find out I was in your bed either first thing in the morning, after all that I said.” She looked down at the ground. “I just thought it would be easier for you if I slept on the couch.” She said quietly.  
She turned to Jane with a smile. “It’ll be fine, Jane. Trust me.” She said more to reassure Jane, but she felt she needed to say that for her own confidence. She had to do it, and that was that. She couldn’t trust a pillock like Pike to perform Hoyt’s autopsy. He would end up messing something up. She was doing this for Jane, she told herself.

“You make it sound dirty,” she said, shrugging Maura’s concern off. “I don’t remember how I got to my bed in the first place,” Jane raised her eyebrows. “You could’ve slept there and left me here. You were the one hooked up to that blasted IV; not me.”  
She bit her lip. “Okay. If you’re sure.” She knew there was no reason for her uncertainty. Hoyt was dead, was he not? She had been there, was the one that had personally ended it. Still, something felt off about the idea. Jane contemplated protesting again, but she hadn’t any real reason to bring up… It was unreasonable, even to Jane herself.

Maura paused a moment. “You were,” She waved at the couch. “I carried you to your bed so you’d be more comfortable.” She said quietly, eyes on the floor.  
She smiled at Jane, not feeling it herself. “I’m sure. You can be in the room, if you’d like, or you can watch from outside the room. Yay glass walls, right?” She chuckled and shook her head. “I have to head into the station soon if I want to find out what’s going on.” She stated, her nails scratching her leg absentmindedly as she thought.

Jane gave Maura her best serious-face. “So were you comfortable out here, then?” She shook her head, supplying the answer before the ME could respond. “Of course not, that couch is god awful. I need to buy a new one soon, if you ever decide to crash on it again because you don’t want me to feel ‘uncomfortable’.” She emphasized the quotations around the word, adopting a joking tone. “Your comfort is more important that mine in this house. I’m not gonna be a bad host, kay? My Ma taught me better.”  
She hesitated for a second, before putting on her brave face. “No, I’ll be there. With you.” I don’t want him to do something bad to you, even if he’s only just a corpse now. “What time? I’ll be there, you can count on me.” Jane bit her lip. “I’ll come with you. Just ‘cause, y’know.” She couldn’t bring herself to be separated from Maura today, she still felt far too insecure about yesterday. She needed to be sure Maura’d be alright. “Lemme just…” Jane bent down, groping about in the drawer inside her coffee table for the box of aspirin she’d come into the room for in the first place.

Maura didn’t say anything, because she didn’t want hives this early in the morning. She did smile at Jane’s comment about her mother teaching her better, nodding in agreement.  
She looked at Jane, trying to see if she could actually do it, or was putting on more of a brave front than she needed. “Well….we’ll need a ride.” Maura smiled. “My vehicle is at my house and yours was at the prison, but I do not know if anyone’s retrieved it yet.” She stumbled a little to the kitchen and got two glasses of water so she could get some aspirin as well. She went back and offered one glass to Jane.

Jane accepted the glass of water Maura handed to her, breaking open the seal on the box and popping two tablets into her mouth, extending the box to Maura. “Thanks,” she said, nodding, then frowned. “You were drinking?” Jane couldn’t believe she didn’t notice earlier. Her eyebrows wrinkled again in worry. “Maura, you knew the doctor said you couldn’t drink.”  
“I’ll ring Frankie and ask if he can get my car later,” she said, spinning around, trying to get the blood flowing around her body again. She was feeling far too light-headed for her own good. “I guess we can either take the bus or get a cab.”

Maura looked like a scolded puppy at Jane’s words, eyes downcast and hands rubbing against each other. “I know I shouldn’t have. I just had….a beer or two…” Her neck was itchy so she scratched at it without thought. She took the box of aspirin and swallowed two, drinking the water after to wash it down. She sat on the couch daintily, putting the box on the table.  
Maura had a scandalized look on her face. “A bus? I’ll call for a cab.” She said quickly, looking for her purse, which she realized she couldn’t find. Did she bring her purse to Jane’s home? No, she just brought her keys, she realized. She reached onto the table for the house phone since Jane had her cell phone out.


	3. Devil in the Autopsy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Autopsy of Warren Hoyt

No matter how hard she tried to convince herself otherwise, Jane still found herself terrified of what was to come. She avoided the morgue and the autopsy room at all costs, sending Frost or Korsak down to collect evidence every time either Maura or one of her assistants paged her about a new find. Though her partners were initially both against the idea of her being at the precinct only a day after she’d been released from the hospital, Jane had been adamant that she would stay and work their new case, as she would normally. Though the pills she had taken earlier in the morning helped ease away her hangover, there was still a slight uneasiness in her walk. But that couldn’t be helped. She’d have to make do.  
At five to noon, Jane reluctantly left her desk, heading to the elevators to the autopsy room. She knew if she were late, Maura would have her head. The blonde was only doing this for her sake, and she felt it was almost her duty, in a way, to be there to protect her should something go wrong. Though Maura had assured her nothing would happen, she still felt uneasy about it. She wasn’t going to tell Maura that, though.  
“Hey,” she muttered, averting her eyes from where Hoyt’s body lay on the dead body table as she came through the doors. She perched herself on the adjacent table to Hoyt’s one, crossing both arms protectively over her chest. She felt a mild wave of nausea that had nothing to do with all of last night’s drinking wash over her at seeing the dark stain over Hoyt’s front where she’d stabbed him, but she forced it down. Someone had removed the scalpel she’d left sticking out of his chest. She shuddered. “You still sure about this?” she asked. She felt like a parrot, repeating herself over and over. She didn’t want Maura to do this, even if it was for her own sake.

She had keenly noticed Jane’s absence that morning every time Frost or Korsak came down themselves to retrieve the evidence she produced from the new body. Nothing prepared her though, for when the body was brought through the autopsy bay and put on an empty table nearest to the bay doors. She swallowed as she looked at the bag, and had to look away a moment when they just left the bag there, waiting for her to confirm the body. She took a breath and nodded, watching detached as they unzipped the bag and Hoyt’s face was revealed.  
She exhaled and nodded, confirming for the men so they could take the body out of the bag and putting it on the autopsy table. She looked away until the men packed up and left her alone with his body. She took a breath and stepped towards the table. He sat there, looking too peaceful for the man who had done what he did. There was a bloody spot on his shirt and it looked like the weapon was already drawn out of his chest. She took a breath and turned from him, looking down at her tray of instruments she’d be using for his autopsy. She needed to dissect him to prove to herself and Jane that he had no power, over either of them. Ever again.  
The doors opened and she looked up, smiling slightly when she saw Jane’s face. “Hey.” She replied, her eyes looking down at the tray.  She pulled a scalpel off the tray and took a breath. “No, I’m not sure about this, but it’s too late.” She closed her eyes and exhaled shakily. She opened them and turned around, stepping between the table he was on and Jane was sitting on. She stood at his shoulder, looking down at his face, and swallowed, gathering her courage, before reaching across him to start a y-incision.  
Suddenly, his eyes were wide open, and  he was grinning up at her. She felt his hands like a clamp on both of her wrists and she froze, a scream stuck in her throat. He couldn’t be alive. He looked past her shoulder with that sickly grin. “Why, hello, Jane. Did you miss me?”

Jane blinked, confused. Why had Maura stopped? She’d seen her perform autopsies countless times. Maura rarely ever hesitated before beginning the Y-incision. Her blood ran cold as she heard Hoyt’s voice, effectively cutting off her train of thought. No… It couldn’t be him, he was dead on Maura’s autopsy table! Wasn’t he?   
“Maura…?” she began, eyes widening in fear. “I’m dreaming, right? This is a bad dream and I’m gonna wake up any time soon…” Her left hand found her right, fingers pinching hard at the skin there like she’d done so many times before to wake herself from similar nightmares. She felt the pain, but didn’t wake up.   
“Jesus Christ,” she muttered, biting her lip and fighting the urge to scream. She was certain it was a nightmare; you didn’t always wake up from a nightmare by pinching yourself. It could well be one of those kind of nightmares when you didn’t wake up until you were about to die or something. She was tempted to take her gun, put it to her head and pull the trigger just to end the nightmare, but resisted. What if it wasn’t and she really did die, leaving Maura with Hoyt? She couldn’t do that. Her head hurt, the hangover and fear mixing together until she fainted, falling face forward, off the table onto the floor.  
The impact with the cold, tiled floor jarred her into reality. Her face hurt, and she was sure her nose had started bleeding again. “Jane, do be careful, will you? There are sharp things around, and I’d hate to see you get injured before I can… ah, have my way with you…”

Maura wanted to answer Jane, but a squeak came from her throat. She tried to pull her wrists from his grasp, but it seemed to get tighter as she pulled. She whimpered and turned to look at Jane, frightened. “Jane.” She whispered, but he grabbed the scalpel out of her hand, sat up and held her against him, her back to his front, no choice but to look at Jane. She struggled, but his hands tightened enough to bruise her, the scalpel pressing against her skin.  
“Janie, you don’t want to do anything stupid, do you?” His sickly sweet voice cut through the air, making Maura close her eyes, frozen. She didn’t want to die, not like this.  
“Now, Janie, I’m still dying. On top of the cancer, I have internal damage because of your little trick yesterday.” He said, tsking. “Naughty, naughty girl. You see, all I want is some company.” He waved the scalpel. “All I want, is to not be alone, Janie.” He cooed to Jane over Maura’s shoulder, causing the doctor to shift her head away, crying silently.

“Stupid?” Jane muttered, picking herself up, one hand clutching her nose, the other holding her gun. “Let her go, Hoyt,” she said thickly, enunciating each word as clearly as she could through her bleeding nose. “Let her go or I swear I’ll shoot.” She may not have been so accurate when she’d stabbed him (she hadn’t studied which bits to cut and stab like Maura had) and it was clear she’d probably missed a major internal organ, but with a gun, she much more of a threat.  
Her grip tightened on her gun and she shifted her stance to one that looked a little steadier, a little bit more menacing. She probably looked ridiculous, clutching her nose like that. Jane let go, and a rush of blood she had mostly kept cupped in her hand splattered onto the floor. She disregarded this, pressing the bloody hand to the barrel to get a better grip on the gun.  
If Maura hadn’t been standing there, Jane would’ve pulled the trigger in a heartbeat, with not a single hesitation. But the fact was that Maura was there, and in so much danger of being forcibly used as a human shield. She couldn’t pull the trigger, both she and Hoyt knew that. Hoyt smiled. Jane’s nose crinkled in concentration. “Maura. Maura, don’t cry, okay? It’ll be alright. I’ll get us outta here.” She just needed to figure out how. “Hoyt, look… Listen to me. I’ll let you…” she paused, her voice cracking, but she carried on, “kill me… or do whatever you want… Just let her go. Please.” 

“Let her go?” He sounded incredulous. “You want me to just let her go, no, Janie, I’m not stupid either.” Hoyt shook his head. “I know the moment I let her go,” he continued, letting the scalpel trace shapes into Maura’s neck, chuckling at her whimpers of pain. “you’re going to shoot me anyway.” He growled.  
He watched her blood fall to the floor with glee. “You mustn’t fall on your face, Janie, you’ll ruin that beautiful face of yours.” He shook his head, pressing his cheek to Maura’s hair with a frown.  
He listened to her offer, the scalpel pressing hard against the right side of Maura’s neck, trickling blood down the side as he thought. “You’ve got me interested, Jane.” He said, seriously. “The good doctor, for yourself. In fact, I have a better deal. I want your gun.” He grinned maniacally at her.  
“You said you’d die for her, so I’m going to take your gun. Your dear doc here is going to kill you for me, and then I’ll let her kill me. Then we’ll be together forever, by the same hands!” He looked at Jane, excited. “How does that sound? After all, doc, you’re just like me, aren’t you?” He pressed his cheek to Maura’s hair again, asking her the question.  
She whimpered and shook her head, ignoring how the scalpel pressed to her neck. “No. I can’t.” She muttered. “Jane, no! Just shoot him, please.” She begged her, crying still. “Please.” She wanted Jane to get out alive, and she knew that meant that she wouldn’t leave the autopsy room.

“Like you’d care what I looked like,” she scoffed, muscles stiffening as Hoyt pressed his face into Maura’s hair. She felt irrationally angry about it, but had no idea why.  
“Don’t-!” Jane winced as she watched the blood form in a line where Hoyt pressed the scalpel into Maura’s neck, but quickly schooled her features back into her best pokerface. She couldn’t look weak in front of Hoyt, she wouldn’t let herself. But the damage was done.  
Jane sighed. “You want my gun? Have my gun.” She dropped it onto the floor, kicking it across the room towards Maura, trying to meet her eyes when Hoyt’s attention was diverted to the gun now lying on the floor. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, giving Maura a pleading look. She didn’t want her friend to be angry at her, but she had to understand that this had been her fight from the beginning. If Hoyt wanted company when he died, it couldn’t be anyone else but her.  
“No, Maura,” she said, when Hoyt’s attention was back on her. She had fixed her expression into one that displayed determination and no other emotion. “Look, see, there. You have my gun. I’m unarmed,” she raised both hands, turning them front to back. Jane hated how she was also inadvertently showing him her scars, but that couldn’t be helped now. “Keep your word and let her go.”

Maura felt the scalpel dig into her neck as he forced her to her knees with him. "Get me the gun, doc, please." He growled. She closed her eyes, shaking her head. She cried out when he dug the scalpel in more. "I'm only going to ask politely once more. Get me the gun!" He roared. She was shaking as she reached out and pulled it close, picking it up and letting him pull it out of her hands. Then the scalpel was shoved into hers and she was pushed into Jane. She clutched onto Jane's shirt and pressed her face against it, shaking like a leaf as she sobbed. She knew that the gun was aimed at them but refused to do what he wanted.  
"Now, doc, I want you to perform the first incision." He stately, and she shook her head. "No." She could never hurt Jane, she'd rather die. "Well, if you don't, I'll just shoot the both of you, and that would ruin my fun." He stated, trying to hold back his anger. "Now, perform the first incision." He stated. She just pressed her face into Jane's neck, scalpel pressed in her hand as she tried to protect Jane's body with her own.

“Shh. Don’t cry, don’t…” she swallowed thickly, trying to hold back her tears. If she cried, it meant she was afraid. Jane Rizzoli was not afraid of Charles Hoyt, nor was she afraid of death. She hugged Maura to her, rubbing circles into her back, trying to calm her. ”It’s gonna be okay, Maur. You’ll be safe…”  
Jane’s jaw tightened as Hoyt began threatening them again. “Stop, okay? Don’t shoot, please…” Twenty-four hours earlier, Jane would never have believed it if someone told her she’d be begging Hoyt, of all people. But here she was. “Maura, listen to me. It’s either me or the both of us, and personally, I’d much rather it was just me. It’s my fight, not yours,” she said, peeling Maura’s shaking frame off her own as she gently as she could.  
“Please, Maura. Just do it now.” Jane tilted her head to the side and swept her loose hair to the side, exposing her neck to Maura. She trusted that her friend would use the quickest and least painful method she knew. She knew that the inevitable would happen one day; she could only run from Hoyt for so long until he’d finally catch up to her. If she had to die this way, she trusted nobody more than she trusted Maura.

Maura saw Jane baring her neck to her in horror, shaking her head in denial.  ”No.” She couldn’t do that, especially not to Jane. She didn’t kill anyone, and there was no way she could kill Jane.  
“Just pretend she’s one of your cadavers, Doctor Isles. She’s a dead woman anyway.” She looked back at Hoyt’s words and saw his eyes were drawn to Jane’s neck like a moth to the flame. She shuddered, looking back at Jane with tears, “I can’t do this, Jane.”  
She saw the bandage on her neck, over the spot Hoyt had cut the day before, and it gave her an idea. She wasn’t sure she could pull it off, since she couldn’t lie, but she couldn’t warn Jane.  She licked her lips and put her hands over her eyes, the scalpel away from her face, trying to wipe the tears that blurred her vision. She could not mess up. She stepped forward, breathing heavily and her chin wobbling, and pulled the bandage off slowly. She couldn’t look Jane in the eye even though she wanted to reassure Jane that she couldn’t kill her. She took a minute to stop her hand from shaking before raising the scalpel to meet Jane’s neck.  
Dr. Maura knew every line and muscle of a body, how to kill someone with the most pain, or the least and the quickest. She also knew where to cut to cause the most blood but not to kill. It was the spot where Hoyt had cut Jane the day before, to scare her and still make her last so he could torture her much more. She drew her scalpel there now, slowly and calculating, right over the same place, tears falling down her face as she cut into her best friend’s neck. “I’m sorry.” She whispered.  
She knew Jane was hurting, but hopefully she’d be able to get Hoyt still. It was the only hope she had now. She looked at the scalpel in her hands. She could kill him herself. She just needed him to check on Jane, considering the blood, and she could stab him. He’d never expect her to, and then she could sew Jane up once he was dead. It was the only hope she had.

“Yes you can,” Jane said, insisting. She closed her eyes and took a steadying breath, trying to look as reassuring as she could. She knew it’d be hard for Maura; doctors always sought to heal people, not to knowingly harm them. And Maura was the best kind of doctor, even if she was one for dead people.  
She gave a wobbly smile of encouragement as she saw Maura take a step closer to her, adjusting her ‘brave face’ to mask her involuntary wince as she peeled the bandage off her neck slowly. It still hurt like hell, as gentle as Maura was being with her. She watched Maura lift the scalpel, hesitating, before tracing it over the same line Hoyt had cut into her neck a day previous. This time, she couldn’t help the gasp of pain that escaped her, squeezing her eyes shut and biting her lip in an effort to stop tears forming.  
What little Jane knew of cutting and arteries and slicing human beings up fled her mind as soon as she tried recalling the information. She couldn’t think clearly in the daze of pain that now hung over her mind. Did the cut from yesterday sting twice as badly, or was she just overreacting? Hoyt had chosen that spot for a reason; she didn’t know why, but it probably wasn’t good. Maura had chosen to go over that spot and reopen the wound, and that baffled her. Why hadn’t she chosen the most efficient and painless way for her, rather than prolong her suffering when her death was inevitable? Jane heard Maura whisper an apology, but she didn’t respond. When her eyes reopened, she looked at Maura reproachfully, feeling slightly betrayed.

Maura felt tears pour down her cheeks and her heart break as she heard Jane gasp in pain. She could hear Hoyt encouraging them from behind her, but refused to look back and give him that pleasure of seeing all of Jane. She swallowed the rock in her throat and kept on. The scalpel to the heart was the betrayed look on Jane's face. She didnt understand. She didn't know she was trying to save her life, even if she had to hurt her to do it. Her chin wobbled again and she closed her eyes. She had to do this right to clue her in. She poured as much hate as she could into her voice, what she felt for Hoyt in this very instant.  
"I'm going to kill you." She opened her eyes and looked at Jane, feeling the itch of the hives that only the woman before her could see. She wanted to reach up and itch it, but she couldn't hint Hoyt in. She lowered the scalpel and used it to tear at the outer layer of of Jane's clothes. With the rip as a cover, she muttered as lowly as she could, "Play....dead." With her top shirt open, her tank top was visible, and she winced as she saw the blood staining the top of it. She swallowed and started at her collarbone, it being just out of Hoyt's sight. She cut deeper than she originally planned to, and couldn't help her hand reaching out to stop it.  
She closed her eyes with what she was about to do. Jane wouldn't forgive her, but she had to trick Hoyt to believing it worse than it seemed. She saw Jane close her eyes and heard Hoyt's inhale of excitement, and cut deeply into her own palm, making it look like she cut into Jane's collarbone. She reached out to Jane with her injured hand, and pushed her to her knees to encourage Jane to look like she had fallen, spreading the blood onto her chest. She made a noise as if she was horrified with what she had done. "NO, JANE!" She felt the hives acting up but it matched the blood. It was all up to Jane's acting abilities now, to see if Hoyt would come up to look himself.  
She clutched the scalpel tightly, praying beyond belief. She heard his footsteps behind her as she keened, falling to her knees with blood on her hands, Jane with far too much blood than Maura thought there would be. She screamed in pain when she felt the gunshot tear through her shoulder. He knew. There was no way he didn’t know. Then there was too much at once, she heard another gunshot and screaming, and all she could do was stretch her hand out to reach Jane, but fell unconscious before their fingers could meet. 

Jane stayed silent, eyes widening slightly at Maura’s abrupt change in manner. Her voice was so full of hatred and rage that it frightened her slightly; she’d never heard Maura sound so angry before - she probably had the right to, as well. She broke eye contact with Maura, feeling too guilty about the entire situation to hold it much longer, and caught sight of the hives that had only just began to make an appearance. Maura was lying. Maura was lying to save her, even though she absolutely hated lying. Jane’s eyes immediately snapped back to her friend’s. “Maura…” she said, mumbling, trying to apologize for the way she’d looked at her before, but thought better of it and stopped short.  
She furrowed her eyebrows, nodding just barely as Maura ripped her shirt and told her to play dead before she had to bite back another gasp as the blade cut into her collarbone. It could be worse, she repeated to herself, trying to stay optimistic. They might actually get out of this alive…  
Jane fell to her knees as Maura pushed her. She tried to remember how perps looked when they went down, eyes closing and bodies turning slack. She tried her best to mimic that, fighting the urge to open her eyes. What was happening? Jane heard a gunshot and Maura scream - this time, in pain, and her eyes flew open in panic. Should she try to take a stand and fight? But she was supposed to be dying and dead… As soon as she heard the second and third gunshots, her cop instinct took over and she froze, remaining motionless. The last thing she wanted to do now was stand up and get shot into oblivion. She saw Maura’s fingers reach out for hers, but the blonde fell unconscious before she could fully make it. Jane reached over and grasped their hands together for her.  
She saw Hoyt fall to the ground. So help decided to show up. Too bad it couldn’t have any earlier. She recognized Korsak’s worn leather shoes and the hems of Frost’s suit pants and she scrambled to get up into at least a kneeling position.. She refused to let them see her lying there so vulnerably, not if she could help it. Not like before.  
She beckoned them over. “Maura… She’s…” She looked down, only seeing Maura clearly now. The first shot she’d heard earlier had been fired into Maura’s shoulder. With a gun registered to her, she thought bitterly. Her hand was bleeding - Maura must have cut herself to fake the amount of blood on her. Jane could never forgive herself now. Come to think of it, she wasn’t about to forgive Maura, either. What was the thinking? She’d be sure to give her a piece of her mind, later, when this was over. If this was ever over. Jane glanced at Hoyt who was lying on the floor a few feet away, bleeding out. He was as good as dead, but after this, she wasn’t about to take any chances.  
Trying to calm her racing heart, she gently squeezed Maura’s hand to rouse her. “Maur… I’m sorry about this… You’ve really gotta get up, though. You have to finish it.”

The lights blinded her as she was forced back awake. There was a blinding pain in her shoulder, and her hand was throbbing. She clutched at her shoulder, whimpering, as her sight came back to her. Jane was there in front of her, and Frost and Korsak were...picking Hoyt up? She blinked wearily and for a moment she wanted to wake up, but then she realized she was awake. The guys put Hoyt's body on an autopsy table, she saw. It took her a minute to be able to get up, and other two minutes to keep herself up steadily. Her footing was a little unsteady, and she ignored Frost's attempt to help, as she looked down at Hoyt's body.   
She ignored her left side completely, considering her injuries, so she used two fingers on her right hand to check for his pulse. There was no pulse. She felt the scalpel pressed into her palm and looked down at it, realizing it was still there. She found a napkin and wiped hers and Jane's blood off of it and wrapped another around her hand to stop the bleeding. She was most likely in shock trying to protect her body, which was why she barely felt her shoulder at the moment, and she didn't even know if Jane and the guys were talking or not, there was a buzzing in her ears. She reached down with the scalpel and started a y-incision. She was not leaving until she was sure.   
It took her about five minutes longer than usual, considering she was only using one hand, before she had his heart out of his chest, and in her hands. She put it on the tray and walked up to Jane. Without another word, she offered the scalpel, then sunk to the floor and rested her back against an autopsy table. She pressed her hand against her shoulder and could feel the pain set in suddenly. She wasn't running on adrenaline anymore and almost blacked out with pain. She could feel it added with the stress on her body from being stunned the day before, and knew she was not going to be leaving the hospital as quickly this time. She watched Jane through half-closed eyelids and waited to see if she'd finish things.

Out of the corner of her eye, Jane saw Frost gag and turn away at the sight of Maura slice into Hoyt’s chest and remove his heart, then plop it onto a tray. Jane was given the scalpel.   She was actually surprised Maura was conscious enough to complete the Y-incision, thought admittedly, the cutes weren’t as neat as they usually were when she used both her hands. But that wasn’t exactly the most important thing now. Slowly, moving her limbs almost mechanically, she lifted the scalpel clutched in both hands and held herself like that for a moment. She wanted to remember this; how it felt to finally drive a blade through Hoyt’s heart.  
She resented how whole it looked… She’d thought she’d stabbed him through the heart, but obviously she’d been way, waay off her mark. She wouldn’t this time. Jane brought the scalpel down, slicing through the muscle with ease, until she felt the resistance from the metal tray against the tip of the scalpel. Blood had squirted out when the heart had been pierced; and she wiped the still-warm blood off on her jeans with a look of disgust. She needed out of here, as fast as she could. She needed to process what had happened, preferably alone.  
Turning away from Hoyt and the heart, Jane watched Maura sink to the floor, clutching her shoulder. She winced in empathy; having a bullet lodged into your shoulder wasn’t exactly comfortable. She looked to Frost who was already trying to something to Maura’s shoulder.  
“Frost… You’ll look after Maura? Take her to the hospital, get her patched up? Y’know,” she saved her hands around vaguely, too tired to think too much about anything anymore. “Make sure she’s alright, kay? Don’t let her leave the room unless it’s to get onto an ambulance to the hospital; she needs medical attention.” She was sure that if Maura were awake enough to comment, she’d say that Jane would’ve needed medical attention as well. Frost looked like he was about to voice the same thought, but Jane headed him off. “I’ll be fine. Look, see-” she grabbed her old bandage that Maura had peeled off her neck earlier as well as a fresh new one from where she knew Maura kept spare ones in a drawer, taking gradually bigger and bigger strides for the door until she was almost running out of the room. “I can fix myself. I’m not about to bleed to death. She is, though.” Jane twisted around, gesturing at Maura. “I’m gonna… I need to take a break for a minute.”

Maura didn't hear what Jane said, she merely saw her lips move. She struggled back to her feet when Jane went to leave. "No." She murmured, looking at Frost and Korsak to stop her. "She can't leave." She was able tog et out. "She-she." She looked after her helplessly. She moved to follow and Frost stopped her. She struggled and it was like a switch turned on, she could hear everything. She blinked at Frost, and took care to enunciate so he'd understand. "Call the ambulance. I'll go with them when they come. I have to get Jane." That made sense to her, at least. He seemed to nod and Korsak had his phone to his ear, so she slowly but surely made her way through the autopsy bay out to the parking lot after Jane.   
She first followed the drops of blood, but then she could hear Jane's voice, screams of her pain as she let out the bottle of her emotions against a brick wall behind a dumpster. Maura forced herself to keep going until she was right behind Jane. She waited until Jane stopped screaming and kicking the wall. She put a hand on her best friend's shoulder, supporting herself because she felt like she was going to fall over. "Jane." She asked pleadingly. "He's gone." She pressed her forehead to Jane's shoulder and hugged her. "He's dead." She mumbled, tears falling as she promised herself she'd never let go again. "He'll never hurt you again, I promise." Her voice cracked as she made the promise. He would never hurt her, but she knew he'd be in Jane's nightmares. He would definitely be in hers.

Jane ran, skidding to a halt before the lifts and jabbing the button over and over again frantically. She was well aware that there were people staring (not every day you have a detective run through the halls bleeding from her neck and looking like she was very close to the point of insanity). She knew she would be getting odd looks for weeks to come, but Jane couldn’t quite bring herself to care. When the lift doors finally slid open to reveal the lobby, Jane ran for the doors, leaving the precinct behind her. Where would she go?  
Spotting the thin alleyway between the precinct and the next building, Jane squeezed herself into the gap, walking into gradual darkness, which eventually opened up into a small lot. The sound of traffic had quieted, as well. It seemed secluded enough. With this in mind, Jane finally allowed the sobs she had been holding back wrack through her body. She screamed, kicking the brick wall and venting her frustration until she was all spent and her throat was sore and she just couldn’t scream anymore. Jane fell to her knees, crying only quietly now. She didn’t register Maura’s presence until she felt the hand on her shoulder and her arms around her.  
“He was supposed to have been gone yesterday,” she said, trying halfheartedly to shrug out of Maura’s hug. “I don’t…” She took a deep breath. “This is all my fault. If I hadn’t been so stupid to have followed Catherine…” If she’d only waited, what, ten more minutes, she could’ve avoided all of it. Meeting Hoyt would’ve been inevitable, but she wouldn’t have been targeted specifically. She started laughing, tears still streaming down her face. The sound was different to her regular laugh; shriller, to the point of almost hysterical with a bitter undertone. “Can you imagine, if I’d waited ten more minutes? None of this would’ve happened. We wouldn’t even be here like this. And you wouldn’t be hurt,” Jane paused, laughter subsiding to be replaced by a small frown. “I told Frost to keep you in the autopsy room. You shouldn’t have come after me. Why did you come after me?”

“He’s truly dead now, Jane. I swear on the Gray’s Anatomy. I pulled his heart out myself, and you stabbed it. He’s not going to be back, ever again.” Maura saw Jane try to get away from her reach and pulled her hand back, hurt. “Jane, none of this is your fault. This was all Hoyt’s fault. Everything was Hoyt’s fault, and nothing you could’ve done would have changed it.” She wanted to reach out for Jane but was afraid of being rejected again.  
“I would be hurt anyway. It’s not your fault, Jane.” She sunk to the ground, unable to hold herself up anymore, despite how filthy the ground was, and leaned against the wall, holding her shoulder. She would stay conscious. She could stay conscious. This was important, and Jane needed her, so she ignored the pain. “Of course I’m going to come after you, Jane. I’m worried about you, especially after what just happened. If I went off like that, wouldn’t you follow me?” She asked Jane with wide eyes.

“And he isn’t gonna come back as some kind of zombie to haunt us all?” Jane shook her head, doubtfully. “I wouldn’t completely put it past him. And if he comes back as a ghost?” she shuddered, genuinely frightened by the idea. She felt like a child, needing Maura’s reassurance that it’d be alright. But unlike a child, she knew that it wouldn’t be.  
“Of course I would,” she snapped, slightly irritated. Did Maura really think that lowly of her? Jane didn’t want Maura’s concern. It was her fault, and she didn’t want anyone to tell her otherwise; she didn’t need their pity, nor did she need their reassurance. She could reassure herself if she needed it, which she didn’t - she was an adult, and she didn’t need reassurance. If she let them, how was she going to live with the guilt? “You shouldn’t have come after me,” she repeated, this time forcing herself to sound more firm than she sounded before. She needed to detach herself. “Go back to Frost. Go to the hospital. You need to get your shoulder checked.”

Maura gave Jane the puzzled look she usually gave her when Jane mentioned something as ridiculous. “Jane, it’s not physically possible for zombies or ghosts to exist.” She shook her head. “Hoyt will never be either of those, it’s just not possible.” She looked at her, empathetically.  
The way Jane was pushing Maura away hurt Maura more than Hoyt did. She couldn’t get up from where she was ‘sitting’, even if she wanted to. “Jane, please don’t push me away.” Tears fell down Maura’s cheeks. “There’s no way I wouldn’t come after you. I’ll always come after you, Jane.” She sobbed, the pain of everything physical and emotional from the last 24 hours weighing down on the medical examiner, including this.

“How do you know it’s not possible? We didn’t think it was possible that he could’ve survived after yesterday, but he did. If anyone could do it, he could. He’s just… He’s so…” Jane hesitated, trying to find the right word. “He’s so determined, Maur. He’s so determined to kill me it’s scary. I don’t think he cares if he’s dead, he’s gonna come get me one day. And when I die, he’ll be waiting.” That thought scared her more than anything. An eternity with Hoyt always hanging around her on the sidelines.  
Jane withdrew as though burned, pulling her arms around herself to hug herself instead of Maura. She couldn’t afford to comfort her, as much as she was absolutely dying to wrap her arms around her friend and rub her back and tell her that she was sorry and she’d stop being such a bitch when Maura was being so nice to her. “I… Maur, just go. Please. I need to be alone, okay? It’s… It’s a lot to process and I… I’ll be fine. I’ll go to the hospital later, if that’s what you’re worried about, but seeing as I already went yesterday, I don’t think it’s really necessary…”

“He’s dead, Jane! I pulled his heart out of his body!” She stated as firm as she could. “He’s dead!” She didn’t know how to convince her. “And he’ll be going to hell, and we will be in heaven. You’ll never deal with him again.” They both knew she didn’t mention dreams, because that was one of the only places left he had, but that was mostly memory.  
Maura shook her head, unable to stop the tears, but able to hold back her sobs enough. “I can’t. I can’t get up.” She whispered, unable to raise her head. She thought belatedly that she probably lost more blood than was healthy. She leaned her head against her shoulder and slumped against the wall, closing her eyes, fighting unconsciousness. “You’re injured too, please come to the hospital. I hurt you.” She said. “I cut you, you should hate me. Please don’t hate me.” She had started mumbling. “He was right, I am just like him.” She whispered.

“But you don’t even believe in heaven and hell,” Jane said, accusingly. Maura could never just say a ‘reddish-brown stain’ was blood without days and days of repetitive testing, how could she believe in any kind of afterlife without any solid proof of it? She was a little offended Maura wasn’t taking her seriously, but then again, zombies and ghosts were a little far-fetched… Still, if anyone could pull it off, it would’ve been Hoyt.  
Jane watched Maura shake her head, heart breaking as she saw tears streaming down Maura’s face. She wanted to walk away, to punish herself, but at the same time she’d be punishing Maura too. As angry as she was, she couldn’t just leave her there to bleed out on the sidewalk…  
“I could never hate you,” she said, trying to sound more comforting, wrapping Maura’s right arm around her shoulders, trying to support her weight and stumble along to the main road to find Frost and hopefully the ambulance. Jane was careful not to touch her left side in case she hurt her further. She owed this much to Maura, at least. “I don’t care if you cut me. You can cut me over and over again. I’d never hate you. I am angry that you cut yourself, however, so don’t do that again, okay?” Jane’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Where’d you get that idea, Maur?” she shook her head, sighing. “You’re nothing like him. Don’t you ever forget that, either.”

“Of course I don’t, but you do. That’s what counts, isn’t it?” She said quietly, wishing she could soothe Jane from her warranted by impossible fears.  
“I had to though, I had to protect you.” Her head lolled on Jane’s shoulder, looking up at her, having only enough energy to blink wearily at her. “I don’t care if I’m hurt,” She inhaled and exhaled, trying to ignore the nausea. “As long as you’re alive, I’ll do what I have to do.” She pressed her cheek against Jane’s shoulder and felt safe and warm. She looked down at her injured hand lying on her own chest and saw the blood already staining the cloth wrapped around it and seeping through to her shirt morbidly, the whole shoulder of her shirt already a dark red.  
“He said so, and he was right. We have the same background, and we both have the same fascination with you.” She closed her eyes. “But, I need you more than he does, Jane.” She mouthed something against Jane’s shoulder, not voicing it aloud like she wanted to.  
“It hurts, Jane.” She turned her head to murmur, unscientifically, just the words of a woman in pain, then she finally fell unconscious in  Jane’s arms.

“I could’ve protected myself,” she bit her lip, stopping herself before the (kindof) conversation could fall back into the same pattern it had yesterday. If Jane were being completely honest, she was glad she was alive; she was thankful that Maura had done what she had done instead of listening to her. Hoyt probably would’ve shot Maura anyway, regardless of whether Maura had killed her. If Jane had died, she wouldn’t have been able to be helping Maura get to the ambulance now (if she were dead, Maura wouldn’t have needed to come after her and be helped to the ambulance, but that was a little besides the point).  
Jane fought the urge to roll her eyes. “How did you two have the same kind of background? Sure, you both went to some kind of medical school, but that’s about the end of that.” She paused when Maura mentioned having the same kind of fascination, feeling at the same both intrigued and slightly creeped out by it. “Fascination’s different to inclination, Maur. You don’t want to rape me then slit my throat, do you?” she said, keeping her tone light and joking. She would bring it up again later, maybe; she could ask her what she really meant. Maybe.  
“Shh, I know it does. Just hold on a bit longer, okay? I’ll get you help.” Jane spotted an ambulance parked outside the BPD with Frost standing by it, looking around anxiously. “Shit, Jane… What happened to Doctor Isles?” She shook her head, gesturing for an EMT to come over and help her with Maura. “She came to look for me, and she sorta fainted…” she shifted guiltily, “buuut I got her here. So she can go to the hospital.” Jane wrinkled her nose as Frost gave her a skeptical look. “Jesus, Frost, lay off me. It’s my fault I stormed off, but it’s your fault you let her go off by herself.” She nodded, feeling slightly smug when it was his to look guilty.  
Jane watched as the EMT’s lay Maura on a stretcher and load her into the van. “Woaah,” she stepped back as one of them tried to reach for her neck. “You’re not gonna touch me. You are going to be focusing all your attention on my friend so she can get her hand and shoulder fixed as quickly as possible.” She nodded as he shrugged in a kind of ‘whatever you want’ way and turn away to climb onto the ambulance and shut the doors. “But I’m coming with you, though. She’s my… um, friend, and I need to… make sure she’s alright.” Jane followed him, climbing onto the ambulance after him with an air of finality  not taking no for an answer. 

Maura woke up, finding herself in another hospital for the second time in two days. She kept her eyes closed, trying to remember what happened. She remembered Hoyt, and hurting Jane, getting shot, then going after Jane. She remembered what she said to Jane, and it was that, that made her eyes shoot open to look around the hospital room. She saw Jane sitting in the corner, reading some sports magazine. Maura let her eyes wander over her and saw, to her relief, the bright white bandages that stood out on Jane's neck and shoulder. "Jane?" She asked quietly, not sure how much of a voice she would have. It made her sound timid and scared though, even though it was not her intention.

The hospital really ought to invest in keeping their magazines up to date. Jane had no idea  why she was reading a two-year-old copy of God only knows what magazine (she hadn’t bothered to look at the cover page as she picked it up and flipped randomly to somewhere in the middle). Printed words blurred in front of her eyes as Jane fought sleep. She had point-blank refused to give in to her mother’s badgering and admit defeat and go home for a couple of hours to get some rest and was now only barely still clinging to consciousness.  
It was a relief when Maura finally woke up, however. It gave Jane something to do and think about. “Good morning, Maur,” she said, adopting an energetic, cheery tone and swallowing a yawn. “How’re you feeling today?”

Maura looked at Jane, blinking tiredly. She didn't feel like she got much rest. "Morning? Did I sleep through the night?" She asked, becoming more aware of her surroundings. "Did you get any sleep?" She asked, worrying about Jane. She patted the spot next to her on the bed for Jane to sit on.   
"Are you still mad at me?" She voiced her true fear quietly, looking down at her hands on her lap, fussing with the blanket. "I'm not going to apologize for what I did, but I'm so sorry you were hurt." She said, as blunt as ever.

“You slept through three days, actually,” Jane said, giving a wry smile before shaking her head. “No, not really. I couldn’t sleep. Nightmares and shit.” It was half a lie. She was afraid that if she fell asleep, Hoyt would come back to haunt her.   
“No?” she asked, surprised. “Why would I be? You saved my life. You got me outta there pretty much all safe and sound. Wish I could say the same for you,” Jane glanced at Maura’s shoulder, looking guilty. “You didn’t deserve to get shot. Just promise me you’ll never try to sacrifice yourself for me ever again, alright?

Maura was startled, and looked that way. “Three days? I understand that’s a logical recovery time, but it feels like everything happened earlier.” She looked up at Jane. “You haven’t gotten any sleep?” She sighed, a sad look on her face. “Come here. Please?”  She scooted over so Jane could join her.  
“Jane, it’s not your fault I was hurt. Hoyt was probably going to kill me anyway afterwards, so I see this as an improvement in scenarios than the both of us dead.” She said, which was optimistic for her. She saw the guilty look and shook her head. “I can’t promise you that, Jane.” She said regretfully. “I’ll do what I have to, but I won’t go out of my way to get hurt, it really hurts to be hurt.” She said the end with a small smile.  
“I’ll stop trying to sacrifice myself, if you stop trying to sacrifice yourself.” She said firmly, remembering with a sick feeling in her stomach how Jane bared her throat to the scalpel because Hoyt said he’d spare Maura if she did.

Jane took a breath, prepared to argue, but gave in after another look at the hospital bed. She usually resented the sterile, too-white sheets, but she was too tired to really put up much of a fight. Groggily, she stood up and stumbled the several feet to Maura’s bed before almost collapsing onto it.   
“It’s not my fault. I know. But that’s not gonna stop me from wishing I could’ve prevented it,” she said, sighing. Three days had been enough time for her to think and get over most of her initial anger. She was still irked that Hoyt had almost gotten a one-up on them, and that Maura could’ve almost died trying to protect her, but she’d eventually gotten over that. Maura was alive now, and Hoyt was dead. That was the important part. But it didn’t mean she wasn’t still angry with herself, because she was more than just ‘angry’ - utterly furious would’ve been a more accurate description.  
Jane squinted slightly at Maura, giving her an almost incredulous look. As much as she wanted to agree just to keep Maura safe from then on end, she knew she wouldn’t really ever be able to keep to that promise. It was her job to keep people safe no matter the cost. It was what she did for a living, and had been doing for the majority of her adult life. It was a part of her. But she didn’t really need to bring that up with Maura. “Alright,” she said, agreeing after a moment’s pause. “Deal. I won’t become suicidal and self-sacrificing if you don’t become suicidal and self-sacrificing.” Jane gave a tired smile. “How’s the shoulder, by the way? I know for a fact having a bullet through you isn’t fun… You holding up okay?”

"Jane, there's no way you could have known. I'm the one who insisted on performing the autopsy, and imagine if Dr. Pike had taken his autopsy." She shook her head, wincing as she imagined how Mr. Hoyt wouldn't have put up with Dr. Pike for much longer than a minute.  
Maura knew what Jane was thinking and shook her head, a soft smile playing on her lips. She knew better than many what Jane's job entailed, and knew Jane had the need to protect who she had to, regardless what she had to do. "You keep up your end, and I'll keep up mine." She said with an air of finality.   
The truth was, although she could feel the drugs running through her system, her shoulder ached like a bitch. She gave Jane a cheeky grin though, and laid her head on the brunette's shoulder. She closed her eyes as they laid back against the hospital bed. "It's inconsequential, and worth it to have you here with me. I need you here, and I don't know what I'd do without you."

Jane winced, imagining it. While Hoyt would’ve wanted her death slow and painful, he’d probably have killed Pike as efficiently as he possibly could just to shut him up. “I’m actually starting to feel a little sorry for Pike now,” she muttered, feeling faintly amused. She’d never thought she’d ever hear herself say that. ”Mmhm. Yes ma’am,” she nodded, giving a mock-salute, but kept her expression serious.  
Jane blinked, stunned for a second. Maura’s words flipped a switch, somewhere deep inside Jane’s head. Maura needed her? Her eyes widened slightly, but she quickly controlled her facial expression. “Um, you wouldn’t have had a bullet go through your shoulder?” she tried, smiling weakly. Her eyes snapped to where Maura was playing with her jacket cuff, suddenly so much more aware and awake than she had been two minutes ago. “Uh, Maur… this might sound really weird or something… but would you happen to remember anything before you uh… passed out?”

“Well, yes. Even he doesn’t deserve that.” She looked forward, not saying anything for a moment. “It was all his fault. He orchestrated everything. Jane, he knew I would have insisted on performing the autopsy. Am I truly that predictable? He knew you wouldn’t let me perform it without you there.” She glanced down at her bandaged hand. She would have to wait to make sure she didn’t damage her hand too much, before she could go back to work. She thought about this to try to hide from the guilt in her at doing exactly as Hoyt planned.  
Maura didn’t move her arm in the sling as she shuffled funny-like to the end of the bed to pick up her chart. “The bullet pierced my humerus and rebounded into my clavicle.” Her face dropped in horror at the words. “Recovery of three to six months? But I can’t be away from work that long!” She panicked, her breathing picking up as did her heart rate. “They were surprised my wounds weren’t worse than they were and I was lucky, considering how I ‘ran around doing things’ afterwards. I shouldn’t have moved at all.” She finished the rest with a whisper. She went back up the bed and leaned her good side against Jane, staring off emotionless. “I can’t go away that long. Dr. Pike will take over and belittle me and…what am I without my scalpel?” She asked Jane, bewildered and lost. She went back to playing with the cuff, feeling it grounded her better than other things could.  
“Of course I remember things before I passed out, Jane. Now whether it’s what you remember myself saying that might be the challenge. What did I say that make you ask?” She thought back to the night. She didn’t recall anything that might make Jane pause. “I recall discussing Hoyt, discussing religion because it’s what you believe, and that I had to protect you.” She couldn’t think of anything else that might bother Jane. She pressed her cheek against Jane’s arm and looked at the cuff, wondering what life would be like now for Jane, without that ever-pressing stress and fear of Hoyt hanging over her, now being free of him in every way but in her mind. She knew Jane wouldn’t see a psychiatrist though, so she would do what she could to help her.

Jane grimaced, feeling a pang of guilt at Maura’s panic at being away from work for so long. Heaven knows she’d have about the same reaction if she’d been banned from work for six months. “I’m sorry, Maur. It’s like I told you: you shouldn’t’ve come after me.”  
“To be honest, I’d give anything to not have to see that autopsy room again.” Jane said, quietly. She didn’t think she’d be able to see a scalpel again without getting chills. “You’ve got me for about two weeks, though. Cavanaugh insisted I take a break for a bit,” she smiled tiredly. “Some birthday this is turning out to be, huh?”  
“Well, you’re right, kinda,” Jane bobbed her head, trying to stall and win herself a little time; she didn’t want to say it, but she wanted to understand what Maura had said to her properly. There was only so far she could go with speculation alone. “But do you… uh, remember what you said specifically? Liiike,” she winced, words failing her. “Like anything right before you passed out? Right right before?”

She didn't say anything in response to Jane's repeated and possibly hidden accusation. She felt a tear fall down her cheek as she looked down, hiding her face from Jane's view. "So you can go after me if I run off, but I can't go after you? That's hypocritical, Jane, you have to admit it." She whispered.  
Maura knew when she eventually returned to work, she'd never be able to forget what happened in there, but she didn't have the luxury that Jane did of not actually working in the room. She couldn't ask for a transfer either, because that department was her home, no matter what happened inside. "Two weeks? Yay." She made a half-hearted childish noise of cheering to amuse Jane, then looked up to give her a grin. She did look forward to those two weeks until Jane had to return to work and leave Maura all alone. She wasn't sure how much she'd even see Jane once she returned to work, considering most of their time together was on cases and in her office. "We'll do something to make up for this birthday. Maybe go to a spa or something during your two weeks?" She asked her hopefully. She wouldn't mind the change of scenery and a chance to forget what happened, and no chance of work interfering.  
"Jane." She looked up at her with her customary blank glance, which she wore when she didn't understand something Jane said. "I have no idea what you're asking me for. I am not aware of anything that I may have said that would have you asking me about now. If you'll tell me what you're wondering about, we'd save you the time 'beating around the bush', I believe you call it, and I would explain whatever I said or if I don't remember." She asked patiently, turning her head again so Jane could have a moment to say whatever it was that Maura said that obviously bothered her.

“Maur… Maura, look, I’m sorry,” Jane rushed out, knitting her eyebrows together worriedly. She hadn’t meant to hurt Maura like that. Jane felt the guilt spread through her when Maura turned her face away. “Please don’t cry.” She couldn’t stand it when Maura cried. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean it like that. I… I just can’t let you get hurt more because of something stupid I did. I can’t let you get worse because of me.”  
Jane’s eyebrows shot skywards and she feigned incredulity, crossing her arms indignantly over her chest. She figured Maura might want something like this. “A spa. You’re not serious, are you? Tell me you’re not serious,” she shook her head, “I am not sitting in a tub of dirt ever again. I refuse. And I don’t care how good it is for my skin; my skin will just have to do without, won’t it?” She cracked a smile to show she was joking, but her expression soon turned serious. “Do you really want to go, though?” She wasn’t completely against the idea if Maura really wanted to go. She owed it to her. Besides, as long as she got to spend some quality time with her best friend, it couldn’t be all that bad… And it was a weekend away from her Ma’s incessant clucking and hovering.  
“You said… You said that you needed me. Like, needed me like Hoyt needed me.” Jane exhaled, sharply, feeling a blush spread across her cheeks. “It’s nothing, really,” she said, trying to brush it off, changing her mind. It didn’t really matter to her, she could learn to live with it constantly hovering over her thoughts like some kind of bizarre, ominous storm cloud. “If you don’t remember, then that’s fine, too.”

Maura shook her head, a few more tears escaping. "Jane, it wasn't your fault! People get hurt because of their own reasons, it's not all because of you!" She couldn't help the sudden burst of frustrated anger that came out of nowhere, it was her own fault that she had gotten hurt, that she got herself hurt to the point it had gotten. Jane didn't hurt her, like she hurt the brunette. She buried her face in her hand and cried at the guilt. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped." She sniffed and wiped her eyes with her uninjured hand. A few tears escaped as she put her hand on her lap, glancing down ashamed with herself. "You didn't deserve that on top of everything else."  
"Yes, a spa." She couldn't help the smile back. "And if you really didn't like it, I won't go in another clay bath. But I would really like to go to another spa, we can hire masseuses to relax our muscles, swim, jog, play cards, I heard they have good beer." She said, trying to entice Jane without begging, because she didn't want Jane to go if she felt Maura forced her to. "I, I would really like it if you went with me." She said quietly, looking down at her hand, trying to hide her blush.  
She didn't say anything for a few minutes, going back in her memory to remember that specific conversation. She heard in her head what she said, and realized what was truth to her, really seemed to bother Jane. But then, she supposed, her wording hadn't probably reassured Jane, even if that was how she felt. “He said so, and he was right. We have the same background, and we both have the same fascination with you.” She closed her eyes. “But, I need you more than he does, Jane.” "I said that I need you more than he did, Jane, not that I needed you exactly like Hoyt needed you. He…" She stopped, knowing she didn't need to continue the sentence, as Jane knew better than Maura how Hoyt needed Jane. "I need you more than him. I need you here, here with me, living and healthy and happy. I don't think I can go back to who I was before I knew you, Jane. You've….you've changed me for the better." She blushed, still unable to articulate just how she needed Jane, but trying nonetheless. "You fascinate me, Jane. How you seem to bring out the best in me." She leaned against Jane's side and glanced past her out the window unseeingly. She snuggled in closer, her hand wrapping around Jane's arm familiarly.

Jane stilled, wincing slightly as Maura snapped, sitting wordlessly through. She knew, though Maura might deny it, that the blonde hated her for taking the blame for everything all the time, but Jane really just couldn’t help it. Hoyt had been her problem, and her problem alone. Being friends with Maura had made Hoyt Maura’s problem as well. And even though it was all over now, Maura had come out worse off than she. Jane shook her head. “I deserved every word of it; don’t take it back. I… I’m trying, Maur, really, I am. It’s just so… I hate what he’s done to you, what he’s done to me, what he’s done to everyone. It’s so… So…” She gestured with her hands, unable to think of a word to describe.   
Jane gave Maura an almost appraising look. “There’s really beer there?” She pretended to think for a moment. “Okay. Fine. If you really wanna go, I’ll come along. But no mud baths,” she smiled wryly. “My worst nightmare right now’s that another dying surrogate’s gonna come stumbling in on us again. I’ve had enough baby-terror to last me a lifetime.”  
“Maur… Maura, listen to me, okay? Hoyt’s right about nothing. He knows nothing. Just ‘cause he went to medical school like you did, doesn’t mean he’s like you. Otherwise that would mean that every single other doctor in the whole world is like him. And that thought is a little bit creepy,” Jane frowned at the thought, eyebrows furrowing. She really hadn’t needed that mental image. “You don’t want to cut me up, Maur,” she reminded her, pointedly keeping her answers blunt and almost-stupid and voice as void of emotion as she could, trying to deflect a bit off the seriousness of the situation.  
If Jane had thought that discussing it with Maura would’ve spared her more stress, she hadn’t been more wrong in her life.  
She took a deep breath. How did one explain, or even return, the same kind of… emotions? Jane imagined it must’ve been harder on Maura; they didn’t call her Queen of the Dead for nothing. She had rarely had to deal with other living, breathing people with real, actual emotions before Jane. But she managed it. Maura managed to voice whatever she had had to voice. But while Maura seemed pretty damn sure of herself, Jane wasn’t. She had no idea what in hell she was thinking, much less feeling. Words failed her; and she internally cringed at what Maura would make of her longer-than-should-be-necessary silence. Jane rushed to speak. She settled for choking out a terse “Me too”, wrapping her free arm around Maura’s shoulders as the blonde snuggled closer to her, hoping to convey all her mushed feelings into a hug, as impossible as that seemed to her. 

"No, Jane." She looked up at Jane wearily. "This isn't your fault. None of this is your fault. This is all Hoyt's fault." She shook her head. "You don't deserve any of the guilt, it all rests with him. He's why you've been hurt so much by him, physically and mentally, and why I am in here now. This is in no way your fault, and nothing you could have done would have changed what he did." She wished she could shake the truth into Jane, but the woman was obstinate, and couldn't see what everyone else knew.  
Maura perked right up. "Of course there is!" If there wasn't, she'd make sure there was, no matter who she had to bribe to get Jane's favorite beer there. "Thank you, Jane. Also, it's statistically impossible for that same freak action to appear again, considering what kind of murders happen where. It's very unlikely that a surrogate will 'stumble' towards us, dying, again. Perhaps another time you might consider the mud bath again, but I will not ask this time." She was excited that Jane would come and not argue this time. Maybe she'd have fun this time?  
Maura just nodded to Jane to make her feel better, even though her thought processes were already skimming past what Jane said. She didn't understand, and Maura was worried that she never could. Their intelligence was what was different between most doctors and the two of them. They were certifiable geniuses , masters of their craft, even though Mr Hoyt didn't graduate from Medical School. "Of course I don't want to cut you up, Jane." She turned to look at Jane and her fingers ran over the bandage on her collarbone. "It hurt me to do this to you, so much." She felt an ache in her chest that she did that, to her best friend, her Jane.  
Maura burrowed into Jane, taking what Jane would give her. She knew that Jane would never return her feelings that she worked so successfully to hide, but the few times that Jane gave her real affection, it was hard to differentiate from the feelings she wanted. She closed her eyes and enjoyed this. "I love hugging you." She whispered, then realized it was said aloud and hoped Jane didn't hear it. She kept her eyes closed, and knew she was probably blushing.

“Alright. It isn’t my fault,” Jane held up both hands in mock-surrender, agreeing with Maura to placate her. She’d never really be free from the guilt, like she would never have another morning where she’d wake up from a completely restful night without dreams where Hoyt would be chasing after her, brandishing scalpels. It was just something that was given, something Jane couldn’t escape as much as she wanted to.   
“You never know,” she said seriously. “It might just happen. You cannot foresee the future and tell me that there is absolutely zero percent chance it can’t happen. Because it could. Maybe.”  
She poked Maura’s shoulder in jest. “And that’s what makes you not like Hoyt. That one simple thing. You care about me,” Jane blushed as she said it, but soldiered on, “and that’s what sets you apart from just wanting me.”  
Jane nodded. “And I like being hugged.” By you. But Jane didn’t dare voice the last two words. Instead, she faked a yawn and snuggled back into Maura, eyes fluttering closed as she feigned sleep. She kept her mouth shut about the too-obvious-to-miss blush spreading endearingly across Maura’s face, fighting the smile that was threatening to make itself known that would give her away.


End file.
